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Jabari Zakiya [opinions]

Fun with Ubuntu - top ten next names, part 1

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The Ubuntu people enjoy giving their releases funny animal names. There have been "warty warthog", "hoary hedgehog", "breezy badger", "dapper drake", "edgy eft", and the coming "feisty fawn". Well, with nothing better to blog about this week, I've decided to provide my suggestions for names. So for this week, and next, I will present my Top Ten Ubuntu Release Names, five this week, and the rest next. Read em and weep!

Pissy Porcupine

This is the release that gets back at Linus Torvalds for dissing GNOME over KDE. It includes the recent Linus Gnome patch, but butchers it so it won't work, and blames Linus for it. It also includes a new installer to silence people still complaining about it not being as good as (pick a distro). It also gives the finger to all those damn "purists" by shipping all the codecs and drivers most "real distros" come standard with for that "it just works" out of the box feel. Still kicking and taking names, this release finally breaks away from Debian, with Shuttleworth proclaiming, "We don't need no stenkin' Debian", and stating since now it was the base distro everyone else was using, it would call the shots. Yes, this is the release with a 'tude.

Bitty Bat

Finally, Ubuntu tackles the 64-bit market in a comprehensive way. With the recent release of the AMD and Intel quadcore platforms, 'bitty' pushes itself into the forefront of distros that can "run on anything from anyone anywhere". After stealing code from Google's "summer of code", it can now run flash-, realplayer-, et al plugins seamlessly on 32 and 64 bit architectures, and single, dual, and quad platforms. With this, it has struck up a major deal to put 'bitty' on all HP desktops (while Dell still ponders this move, after receiving now over 5 million requests to do so on its website).

Virtual Viper

Like a multiheaded snake, 'Viper' comes ready to run virtual OSes, using the brand new Linux 2.6.30 kernel. With this, Ubuntu positions itself to take over the server market, to replace all those power hungry old servers with virtual OS instances. Also included is a true Vista compatibility layer, which allows the remaining people who haven't booted Vista off their system (after the most recent DRM, malware, update release, fiasco) to run Vista in a safe virtual environment, by getting around MS's latest attempt to prevent this. And with CrossOver 9.2, 'Viper' becomes the easiest distro yet for Windows users to migrate to.

Talky Tortoise

Following on the heels of the Canonical/Digium agreement, Ubuntu now comes with a customized version of Asterisk ready to use. Throw that landline away, and network your cell phones. It is now easier than ever to manage all your telephony needs in one easy to configure distro. Also included is the latest in voice-recognition technology, which allows you to use a headset, or phone, to talk to your computer and run apps which have been written for these features. VARS will immediately target this release for use in senior homes, people with disabilities, or people just too lazy to type anymore. It has been rumored the next point release will also allow your computer to talk back to you (in initially 3 languages). This will quickly become the perfect distro for geeks, to get them through those lonely weekend nights (you know who you are).

Kinky Kangaroo

Ubuntu goes all out to capture the adult and pornography market sectors with this release. With its customized branded Firefox browser (SteamyOtter), it comes with built in plugins for anonymous browsing using Tor onion networks, and the latest video streaming, zooming, and 3D effects. Also, now with Clik 'n' Run, premier porn sites are just a click away (purchased with a major credit card), which can be quickly hidden from that unsuspecting spouse, or your kids, with the new Zip-It-Quick extension. It also comes with the EnhanceIt image processing app, to help you "endow" your photos before posting to Match.com or your MySpace page. When bought via the web, 'Kinky' comes shipped in an unmarked brownpaper package, with your choice of a pack of condoms (specify size), a Plan B treatment, or a pack of AAA batteries.

OK, that's my first 5. Next week the remaining 5. Make your suggestions as comments. If I like any, I might plagiarize them and include them next week (though I'll still take all the credit). :~)

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